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Carlene Brown, MA. Ed.: Posted on Saturday, December 22, 2012 9:17 AM
On 12-21-12,at 9:30 Friday morning, a week following the Newtown massacre that left 27 dead, churches nationwide rang their bells only 26 times in memory of victims at Sandy Hook Elementary. Newtown residents deliberately forgot gun enthusiast Nancy Lanza, gunman Adam Lanza’s mother and his first victim. Only about 25 family members attended her memorial ceremony in Kingston, New Hampshire. In Newtown,Connecticut, only one noticeable tribute to Nancy lay amongst a profusion of stuffed animals, angels, candles, flowers and balloons memorializing the children and teachers who died at the hands of a mentally disturbed young man wielding an utomatic assault weapon owned by his mother, Nancy Lanza. Part of a friend’s letter,written on yellow paper and shellacked onto a red piece of wood read as follows: “Others now share pain for choices you faced alone; May the blameless among us throw the firststone.” www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/21/nancy-lanza-newtown-memorial/ Following Friday’s massacre, I awoke on Monday morning with the distinct realization that Adam and Nancy Lanza had been born with a mission to wake up Americans about the harsh realities of our culture of violence. Mission Accomplished! Now, what will American society do with that wake-up call? I shared on Facebook Porochista Khakpour’s graphic story of violent abuse that drove her into an addictive love affair with guns at the shooting range. “I fell in love with guns at the first shot,” she writes in her story posted Monday, December 17, on slate.com. Porochista writes about her journey to recover from that addiction, with news of “violence bringing me to tears and keeping me up at night.” She adds, however, that she was never altogether sure she would never own a gun—until she read that Nancy Lanza, killed by her son via her own gun, would boast to men at bars about her gun collection. “Now I’m sure. I will never own a gun,” writes Porochista. Porochista understands how Nancy Lanza “somehow felt empowered by this thing” that “probably made her feel protected, invincible even, big and strong. Like a man. (Or like the most antiquated, cheap notion of manhood you can spin, still sadly very much alive in our culture.” Porochista points out that Nancy Lanza is not alone, with 43 percent of women, just 9 percent less than men, reporting home gun ownership, and according to CBSNews, female participation at shooting ranges has doubled in the pastdecade. Porochista concludes with a call to action: “But even a sweet Connecticut housewife and mother, or a literary geek like me, can get swept up in the false power of guns. It’s time to realize what much of gun-loving actually is—a passion for destruction veiled as protection.” “It’s time for all of us to woman up and disarm.” I look forward to the day when Porochista’s call to “woman up and disarm” becomes a massive movement, perhaps even named after Nancy Lanza. And when that happens, “if I have a bell to ring, I’ll ring it in the mornin’ I’ll ring it in the evenin,’ all over this land.” My bell will toll for Nancy Lanza! And what about former Penn State football coach, Jerry Sandusky, found guilty last June on 45 counts of child sex abuse, based on testimony from eight young men who described a range of abuse that included fondling and forced oral and anal sex? What does the Sandusky tragedy have in common with the Lanza tragedy? Certainly, nobody wanted to ring a bell for a despicable pedophile who had the audacity to broadcast on Penn State College radio stations accusations that his victims had lied and teamed up with the media and others to create a massive conspiracy against him. Nobody wanted to ring a bell for Sandusky on October 9, 2012, when Judge John Cleland sentenced this blatant and unapologetic sex offender to 30 to 60 years in prison. Nobody wanted to ring a bell for Sandusky one week before Lanza’s rampage at Sandy Hook Elementary School, when Sandusky’s lawyer, Karl Rominger, reported that his client’s “fight is 100 percent back” and he is hopeful that prison officials can lessen restrictions to allow him more phone calls to advance plans for an appeal. “He’s not happy being stuck in a cell 23 hours a day,” said Rominger. www.npr.org/2012/12/07/166770688/jerry-seeks-fewer-prison-restrictions The day after Sandusky’s sentencing on October 9, 2012, Anthony Papa, former jailhouse paralegal serving a 15 to Life sentence at Sing Sing prison, predicted how it would go down for Jerry Sandusky. “Pedophiles serve the hardest time,” writes Papa in a 10-10-2012 post. In a chilling story about Carl, who was nearly beaten to death with a typewriter,o nce prisoners discovered that he had been found guilty of molesting several young children, Papa predicts that Sandusky will be placed in protective custody, locked in his cell for 23 hours a day with no contact from any other prisoner. Indeed, that has happened! “Sandusky’s best friend will become the voice in his head that continuously tells him he will win an appeal and he will eventually be set free,” writes Papa. “Most prisoners have this illusion since they do not know that less than 2 percent of all criminal appeals win.” Papa describes the pacing back and forth in his cell, the “vile acts” that will continuously haunt Sandusky as time passes slowly and days drag on. “His lawyers will pump him up with hope, draining his bank account for fruitless appeals for his case.” Indeed, that is happening now! “After he exhausts his resources to pay his legal fees, his lawyers will stop taking his collect calls. Then one day his wife who has stuck in his corner will be gone. As the years roll by and he is standing alone in his tiny cage, remorseful of his actions, Jerry Sandusky will come to the realization that the only way he is ever getting out of prison is in a body bag.” I wonder, will anyone ring a bell forSandusky on that day? Or long before Sandusky’s body-bag day, will someone like Porochista Khakpour, hit hard with a new awareness about his or her role in perpetuating America’s culture of sexual violence, step forward with a call for pedophiles to “man up and disarm themselves of deceit and denial”? Perhaps Mrs. Sandusky herself? Or Sandusky's son Matt? Or because my family members are affected by the ravages of sexual violence, is it my charge to begin ringing a bell for Sandusky now? Perhaps it is my charge to hold a VISION for “sexual-social healing” not only in my family, but all across America. A VISION where victim and perpetrator engage in deep truth dialogue like that I read about between a former Nazi and a daughter of holocaust victims. A VISION that transcends our Western practices of punishment and imprisonment to deal with transgression, where both victim and perpetrator remain in bondage (from THE BOND by Lynne McTaggart, p. 174-177, www.thebond.net). As I hold that VISION, “I have a bell to ring, I’ll ring it in the mornin’ I’ll ring it in the evenin,’ all over this land. I’ll ring out danger, I’ll ring out a warnin’ I’ll ring out love between my brothers and my sisters All over this land!” (adapted from “The Hammer Song” by Lee Hays & Pete Seeger) |
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Carlene Brown, MA. Ed.: Posted on Monday, December 17, 2012 6:16 PM
Too many moms are enablers for the sex offenders in their households, as we have seen to be the case with the wife of Penn State University’s football coach Jerry Sandusky, found guilty of 45 counts of child sex abuse. In a letter to Judge Cleland, who sentenced Sandusky to 30-60 years in prison October 2012, Sandusky’s wife wrote that their adopted son Matt was“full of lies” with claims that his father had molested him, too. My children are fortunate to have a mom who has repeatedly done just the opposite of Mrs. Sandusky, despite dire consequences. My children’s mom knows, like Queen Esther in the Holy Bible, that she was born to win “for such a time as this.” In her late twenties, my daughter announced that she wanted to fly from New Mexico to LA to visit me for a few days. Over breakfast at a beachside restaurant the day after her arrival, she divulged an ugly secret about my ex-husband who is her father. My daughter’s father had molested the stepdaughter of his second marriage while my daughter and her younger brother were living in that household under a joint-custody arrangement. As an adult, the stepdaughter had invited my ex-husband to a spiritual retreat where he confessed to the molestation in front of 30 people. The stepdaughter then shared this information with my daughter, who now felt compelled to tell me—the real mom she had lived with throughout her teenage years. “Mom, what do I do about this?” my daughter wailed. “Thisi s my dad!” “Oh, my God!” I shrieked. “Did he molest you, too?” “I don’t think so, Mom,” she said. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” I replied. “I’m so sorry! I never should have agreed to let you live with your dad and Paula. But I really did think you kids would be better off in a family situation than living with a single mom.” I proceeded to tell my daughter of the eerie dread I had suppressed when she returned to New Mexico and moved in with her father after his second marriage ended. When her father insisted on accompanying my daughter on a trip to visit her brother and me in California, I knew something was very wrong about that father-daughter relationship—especially when I watched the two oft hem perform a well-practiced Western Swing dance, where my daughter was displayed as Daddy’s trophy. Or was it something more than that? The thought was too horrible to contemplate, but after my daughter and her dad returned to New Mexico, I had talked about my concerns with my friend and psychology teacher at the high school where I taught English. “Well, Dad always did treat me like a wife when he was between girlfriends,” my daughter admitted. But she brushed that behavior off as inconsequential. My daughter and I talked about the younger woman who became my ex-husband’s third wife and later a good friend of my daughter after the third marriage ended within two years. We talked about my ex-husband’s fourth and present wife. “She won’t let Dad get away with anything!” insisted my daughter. I wondered if either the third or the fourth wives knew about the molestation of the second wife’s daughter. “Honey, I think we should get you some counseling,” I offered. “No, that’s not necessary,” she said. “I’ll be fine.” With that tiny bit of assurance, I was all too eager to close the conversation on that uncomfortable subject for both my daughter and me. I would not gain the courage to open that conversation again until three years later, when I won a trip for two to Maui, where my daughter’s father had moved with his fourth wife. I took my daughter to Maui with me to witness both my courage and compassion, as I confronted her father about what had happened not only to his stepdaughter, but also to my children. What’s a mother to do? Confront the perpetrator. I was shocked at the level of denial I encountered in my ex-husband, who had embarked on a spiritual path even before I had. I had hoped for tearful truth telling and holy-hug healings for our family. But those hopes were shattered the moment my ex-husband began minimizing his molestation behavior with the little 7-8 year-old stepdaughter with whom our daughter had shared a room! I dared not ask if my daughter was in the room when this happened. “It only happened because I was unhappy in my marriage,”he said. He was unhappy in his marriage to me also! What had he done to our daughter then? I wondered. (The rest of this Maui episode and over a decade of repercussion stories are recorded in my yet-to-be-published memoir, some stories that I currently share in speaking engagements.) So what is a mother to do when her hopes for family healing lie in an ash heap? I would discover the answer to that question a few months later while participating in a workshop with Unity Minister Edweene Gaines, who shared with participants her pain and struggle associated with retrieving child molestation memories at the age of 50, when she was already an ordained minister. During the question-and-answer period that followed Edweene’spresentation, I briefly reviewed what had happened in Maui, including the fact that my daughter had sided with her father and was now angry with me. “What do I do about this?” I asked. “Honey, I can’t tell you exactly what to do right now,”she said in her Southern drawl, “but I will tell you this. Because you have set the intention for healing to happen in your family, you will be guided every step of the way. You will always know what to do when the time comes for you to act. Just trust your inner guidance.” I was not the only mother in that audience who needed to hear Edweene’s advice. At the close of the workshop, five mothers gathered around to thank me for raising the molestation question. Their daughters, too,were angry with them. So what is a mother to do? Trust her inner guidance. I have come to realize that I was born with a built-in GPS. My inner GPS has led me into,through, and beyond several of the biblical fiery furnaces of our time—one being the exposure of sexual misconduct from uncles to ex-husbands. I now realize that I was born not only to be thrown repeatedly into the fiery furnace for exposing family secrets but also to emerge as a fiery healer—with the fire of hope, fire of compassion, fire of vision, and fire of transformation emanatingfrom my core being. My inner GPS has led me to precisely the right books, the right therapists, classes and spiritual support teams, and informal encounters with the right individuals time and time again. On this website blog, I have shared information from many books that have helped this “mother amidst molesters” immensely, most notably THECOURAGE TO HEAL by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis. For other “mothers amidst molesters” challenged by family members who discount or punish you for telling the truth, I share what I shared this summer with my children and my sisters, still critical of me for creating this website and inviting my ex-husband to visit it. I am happy to report progress, in that this time my family members merely ignored my message rathert han discounting or punishing the messenger as they have done in the past. Quoting Beverly Engel’s FAMILIES IN RECOVERY: Working Together to Heal the Damage of Childhood Sexual Abuse, I wrote in an email that my choosing to stand up for survivors in our family “is not really standing up against the perpetrator but for the family and for the truth.” I wrote that I am “not only supporting the survivor in a very significant way. . .” but I am “supporting the entire family—including the perpetrator—in becoming healthier. Keeping the secret of sexual abuse has made the entire family sick. Openly exposing the secret will rob it of its potency and help to heal the entire family.” (p. 123) So what’s a mother to do? Stand up for the family and for the truth! And when a mother tells the truth, she should not take the repercussions personally. Again, Beverly Engels is instructive on this: “When one person breaks through the web of denial in a repressed family, the other members often resent that change. They may try to restore the old family pattern from gently cajoling [her] back into the familiar role to threatening her with angry, critical, and condemning statements.”(p. 194) It has taken more than a decade and buckets of tears for me to stop taking personally such condemning statements as this: “You are poisonous and spiritually sick.” I am grateful for immense support from my spiritual family at the Agape International Spiritual Center, support for growing into the fiery healer I was born to be, support for activating my unique life purpose with fire of hope, fire of compassion, fire of vision, and fire of transformation! Through a wide array of consistent spiritual practices, I have come to realize that the fire in my soul compels me to do more than stand up for the truth. If I truly am to facilitate healing in my family, I need to listen empathically to all my family members and imagine myself in their situations. “Do not pressure members of your family into believing you, admitting they were wrong, or seeking help,” writes Beverly Engels in FAMILIES IN RECOVERY. “Realize that family members have their reasons for wanting not to believe you. Perhaps they do not want to have to sever their relationship with the perpetrator, or face their own abuse, or to face the pain involved. Whatever the reason, each person must come to terms with the abuse in his own time.” (p. 107) Today, I understand my family at a deeper level than ever before, so much so that it no longer hurts that my daughter still chooses to have no contact with me, but maintains a close relationship with her father and stepmom. Perhaps my daughter’s father will be in his grave before she can embrace a relationship with her real mother. So what is a mother to do? Activate her unique life purpose. I have known for a long time that my life purpose is about much more than exposing sexual abuse and holding a vision for healing in my family around that issue. My life purpose is about facilitating and holding a vision for healing amongst religions. My life purpose is about activating a politics of peace and justice and joy, especially as it relates to my profession as an educator. My life purpose is about calling into manifestation the true American Dream and Destiny of the United States of America, to liveout the true meaning of our creed as put forth in our Founding Documents. I know that I was born to be the “black sheep” of my family: one who experiences disapproval because she fails to live up to the expectations of the family script; she is the scapegoat for issues the family does not want to address. I was born to grow the courage to choose authenticity over approval, and to choose it repeatedly—with the stakes often getting higher each time I make the authenticity choice. I was born, as is everyone, with the capacity to win in life—not through competition or achievement, but through actualizing my unprecedented uniqueness while appreciating the uniqueness of others. Via “black sheep” status in my family, I was born to win in religion, politics and sex—three topics so controversial in my family and the American family that they are often considered taboo. Each courageous choice for authenticity in any one of these areas translates as a win in all three. And each win for me is a win for countless individuals in my sphere of influence. I was born “for such a time as this,” as was Queen Esther in the Holy Bible. I was born to inspire others to know that they, too, were born with unique challenges because they were born to win in life. I was born to inspire others to know that their winning, like mine, is necessary “for such a time as this.” Perhaps Mrs. Sandusky will come to that realization,too—in her own sweet time. |
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Carlene Brown, MA. Ed.: Posted on Tuesday, October 09, 2012 11:58 AM
If you choose to disclose family secrets about sexual abuse, be prepared to meet with resistance, and perhaps outright hostility. Family members who are not ready to hear the truth you proclaim may shun you. Know that you deserve to be supported in your truth telling, and set an intention for that support to show up. After first exposing my ex-husband for molesting his stepchild, it took me years to realize that I could consciously set an intention to be supported. Once I did that, I began to see that my support always arises wherever and whenever I need it—in writing groups and spiritual groups, with spiritual counselors and teachers, and often in books. One such book showed up in perfect timing to support me as I prepared for a visit from my son and his wife, knowing that both he and my sisters were critical of me for having invited my ex-husband to visit my website. Inspired by the Social Healing Project story I had read about in Lynne McTaggart’s book, THE BOND (www.thebond.net), I had hoped to enlist my children’s father in the family healing vision I hold and have written about on this blog. My ex-husband remained silent about my invitation and allowed our son to do the dirty work of reprimanding me. Even though my son’s Baptist minister father-in-law had pronounced God’s blessing on my website and its healing mission, my Evangelical Christian sisters joined my son in voicing disapproval. Months before my son’s scheduled visit from another continent, when I would have to confront this “unholy alliance,” part of my support team showed up in a book by licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Beverly Engel—FAMILIES IN RECOVERY: WorkingTogether to Heal the Damage of Childhood Sexual Abuse (www.beverlyengel.com/books/families.htm). A perfect antidote to the angst churning in my belly. I decided to share with my son and my sisters a few of Engel’s quotes, which describe my standing up for the survivor as “not really standing against the perpetrator [my children’s father] but for the truth.” I wrote that I am “not only supporting the survivor in a very significant way. ..” but I am “supporting the entire family—including the perpetrator—in becoming healthier. Keeping the secret of sexual abuse has made the entire family sick. Openly exposing the secret will rob it of its potency and help to heal the entire family.” I suggested that my son, having lived in the household where his stepsister was molested, fit the description of a sibling. He would therefore be wise to take Beverly Engel’s advice about receiving counseling “to become strong enough to back up the survivor in her dealings with other family members and to stand up to the perpetrator with her.” (On this trip, my son would be seeing one of his stepsiblings as well as his sister, his father, and me—which I knew presented a great challenge for him.) Beverly Engel advises that family members “learn how the family situation contributed to the abuse. Families where incest or sexual abuse have occurred have many things in common. Learning about these patterns will help you understand how and why the abuse occurred. It will also help you address the other important problems in your family and thus help the family to become a healthy, functional one.” None of my family members responded to my emails, which I saw as an improvement over previous overt resistance. With the authority of FAMILIES IN RECOVERY to back me up, I did not feel rebuffed by their silence. Not only did I have Beverly Engel to support me, but also renowned spiritual teacher Deepak Chopra, as I began to see that my research was “in service to conscious evolution”—the theme of a 2010 Evolutionary Leaders Conference where I had heard Chopra speak(www.evolutionaryleaders.net). Throughout the years following my exposure of the family secret, each episode of extreme discomfort I had experienced could be viewed as an “evolutionary impulse” that drove me to research and now prompted me to share this tiny portion with my family. My job, according to Chopra, is to continually “surrender to the evolutionary impulse that’s already there, and to do what needs to be done. At the same time, leave the results to the unknown, which is already taking us there.” This way of perceiving my family situation is empowering for me. As I choose to surrender to this evolutionary impulse, I am liberated to trust and follow the guidance I am given. I now see setting an intention to be supported as an evolutionary impulse that attracted Beverly Engel into my support circle. Her book empowers me to “openly expose the secret” to “rob it of its potency” and to “help heal the entire family.” I pray that you will feel empowered to do the same in your family. |
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Carlene Brown, MA. Ed.: Posted on Wednesday, October 03, 2012 12:43 PM
In my previous post, I quoted Truthout editors (www.Truthout.org) who defined Apocalypse as “lifting of the veil” or “the disclosure of something hidden from the majority of mankind in an era dominated by falsehood and misconception.” Today, I refer to their discussion of polarization, how we humans have been separating ourselves from each other, how we have “retreated to our enclaves to try and escape our many fears”—many of those fears engendered through use of the word apocalypse as a mechanism of control. I am all too familiar with that use of apocalypse in the “Left Behind” mentality and “Rapture Culture” of my family. Speaking from a political viewpoint, Truthout editors assert that humanity’s “fears have been exploited for profit and for power by hucksters in various incarnations.” They also assert that “this paradigm is dying, and not a second too soon.” The old paradigm is dying in my family as well. In previous posts, I have referred to polarization in my family as an “unholy alliance” between my evangelical Christian sisters and my non-religious children, caused by my “breaking the silence”regarding molestation. I have also lauded Christian author and professional speaker Nicole Braddock Bromley’s work to “break the silence” and “lift the veil” of secrecy around child sexual abuse. (www.OneVOICEenterprises.com) As I watch the old paradigm die, I see the“unholy alliance” in my family beginning to morph into a “holy healing coalition.” My lifting the veil, or participating in the apocalypse, is a sacred act—indicative that the new paradigm is emerging. “Around the globe, individuals are standing shoulder to shoulder as one, taking action and releasing their fear,”write Truthout editors regarding the new paradigm. On this highly polarized, politically charged day of the first Presidential debate of 2012, I stand shoulder to shoulder with those such as Pulitzer Prize-winning author, Hedrick Smith, who is “lifting the veil” in his new book, Who Stole the American Dream? Smith (www.hedricksmith.com) “lifts the veil”as he addresses “Hidden Beginnings” in the prologue: “Often a watershed is crossed in some gradual and obscure way so that most people do not realize that an unseen shift has moved them into a new era, reshaping their lives, the lives of their generation, and the lives of their children, too.” Unveiling “hidden beginnings” in families is the first step on the path toward healing. In the American family,one such hidden beginning, according to Smith, was the 1971 “Powell Memorandum,” written by Lewis Powell two months before he was named to the Supreme Court (p. xiii). All things personal are also political. “Political revolt had been brewing on the right since the presidential candidacy in 1964 of Senator Barry Goldwater, the anti-union, free market conservative from Arizona, but it was the Powell memo that lit the spark of change,” continues Smith. “It ignited a long period of sweeping transformations both in Washington’s policies and in the mind-set and practices of American business leaders—transformations that reversed the politics and policies of the postwar era and the ‘virtuous circle’ philosophy that had created the broad prosperity of America’s middle class.” (p. xiv) Jim Lehrer, moderator of tonight’s Presidential debate, writes this of Smith’s Who Stole the American Dream?: “It is an indictment that is as stinging, stunning and important as anyever handed down by a grand jury.” Thank God for this sacred act—the unveiling of the Apocalypse! |
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Carlene Brown, MA. Ed.: Posted on Monday, October 01, 2012 4:12 PM
 In April 2012, editors of Truthout, an online news and views publication, provided an alternative to the fear-based Apocalyptic notion that "the end is nigh," and there is nothing humans can do to escape "divine intervention accompanied by rivers of blood and fire." Editors of Truthout ( http://www.truthout.org) point out that the word Apocalypse comes from the Greek word apokalypsis, meaning the "lifting of the veil" or "the disclosure of something hidden from the majority of mankind in an era dominated by falsehood and misconception." Truthout editors suggest that we view this "lifting of the veil" as a moment of choice: we as a human species can choose to "embrace our potential for good" by coming together to solve our problems and working to reverse the damage we've done to the planet," or we can "choose the path of exploitation, separation and destruction." I am happy to introduce to you a Christian professional speaker and author, Nicole Braddock Bromley, who is choosing to "embrace our potential for good" as she "lifts the veil" in her 2007 book, HUSH: Moving from Silence to Healing afterChildhood Sexual Abuse. “I still wonder and ask why the Christian community is so reluctant to address this profound need in our world,” writes Victoria Kepler Didato, director of Child Sexual Abuse Institute of Ohio. “What Nicole Braddock Bromley does for survivors of childhood sexual abuse in HUSH is what Jesus Himself did for the mute—gives them back their voice.” Bromley, now a professional speaker, says “I founded One VOICE to raise awareness of and help prevent sexual abuse. I travel to schools, churches, and conferences across the country to talk about it. Most of the time I speak at Christian colleges.” [See www.OneVOICEenterprises.com.] Ron Kopicko, University Chaplain at Spring Arbor University, MI, writes this about Nicole: “In 25 years of working with Christian University Chapel speakers, I can count on one hand the number of women who have touched the hearts of students the way Nicole Bromley did during her visit. . . . Speaking out of incredible authenticity, with compassion, clarity, sensitivity, and grace, Nicole opened up damaged hearts with the skill of a surgeon and brought a powerful word of hope and peace in Jesus Christ.” The other day, I visited Nicole’s website [www.OneVOICEenterprises.com] to invite her to consider speaking at my Alma Mater, Evangel University, the Pentecostal Assemblies of God college where I was once a homecoming queen. I shared with Nicole that it was within the confines of that religious institution that I met and, soon after graduation from EvangelCollege, married the man who became the father of my children. Slightly over a decade later, he began molesting the stepdaughter of his second marriage, while our children resided in that household under a joint-custody agreement I naively lauded. Building on the “holy healing coalition” concept, in my email to Nicole, I suggested that she connect with my little missionary sister Wanda Hallgrimson Sommers, who now works with an Assemblies of God team based in Springfield, MO, the home of Evangel University. I informed Nicole that I plan to travel to Springfield for my 2013 class reunion. I am aware that the subtitle of Nicole’s book, HUSH, “moving from silence to healing,” has more meaning for me than for my little sister. Along with Nicole, I have discovered that the first step in moving toward healing is “breaking the silence.” Even though I am not the victim of molestation in our family, I am the whistleblower mom. Hopeful about the weight that Nicole’s Bible-based writing and Christian testimony could carry with my sisters,I have shared relevant scripture references from HUSH with Wanda, such as “Don’t be afraid. Speak out! Don’t be silent” (Acts 18:9) and “We have made a lie our refuge and falsehood our hiding place” (Isaiah 28:15 NIV). The Isaiah reference corroborates with “The Kingdom” of perpetrator denial I learned about in Ellen Bass and Laura Davis’s THE COURAGE TO HEAL and wrote about in a previous post. As the whistleblower in my family, I accept the advice Nicole offers about speaking out: “If the first person you tell doesn’t believe you, tell someone else! . . . . It’s scary to think about being all alone in your fight for what’s right in the event that your family chooses sides. . . . [But] don’t submit to the bondage of silence. Break it! Tell your story over and over. . . . Get it all out! Do what works best for you, but do it until the silence is broken.” (p. 50-53) Nicole’s story is compelling: she was sexually abused by her stepfather for over a decade until, at age 14, at her mother’s bidding, Nicole summoned the courage to tell the secret her stepfather had made Nicole promise never to tell. Nicole is very grateful that, unlike many mothers of sexually abused children, her mother believed her story. Nicole had been “programmed for silence,” as Vince (in typical perpetrator mode) made her feel that it was her choice to be abused, that she deserved and wanted it, that she was responsible for the family’s happiness, that it would ruin the family if she told, and that he would commit suicide. As soon as Nicole told her mother the truth, mother and daughter filed charges with authorities and left home to go into hiding, fearing that Vince would kill them if he found them. A week after they filed their report with the police, two police officers arrived at their door to report that Vince had indeed committed suicide. The courts closed the case by listing the abuse charges as“substantiated.” In other words, the suicide proved his guilt. “My stepfather was in his grave, but his legacy of hush lived on,” writes Nicole. “Mom protected me by not revealing my secret to our community. At the funeral, she shouldered the blame, allowing people to believe that Vince had killed himself because she had left him. To escape the stigma associated with this filthy violation, I planned to put it back under lock and key and never tell again. It took me awhile to realize that I had to continue to break the silence if I was ever going to believe that the abuse wasn’t my fault.” (p. 44, 45) Upon viewing videos on Nicole’s website [www.OneVOICEenterprises.com], I was thrilled to discover that she had been interviewed by James and Betty Robison on a DayStar Christian TV program which I had watched just a couple nights before— an interview featuring Ruth Graham, daughter of the famous preacher, Billy Graham. Ruth had spoken so authentically about the mask people wear in Christian churches, and that “in every pew there sits a broken heart” (one of her book titles). Following the program, my little sister Wanda called from her cell phone, and I told her about the Ruth Graham interview, feeling the “holy healing coalition” strengthening as we talked. The coalition strengthened even more as I noted a video on Nicole’s website, where she and Ruth Graham had been interviewed together on James and Betty Robison’s LIFE program. This taping was from a 2010 show when Nicole’s second book, BREATHE, was published,along with Ruth’s Fear NotTomorrow: God Is Already There. Both Ruth and Nicole spoke eloquently about the brokenness in the church and the necessity of being “real” as opposed to wearing a mask. Nicole said there is so much brokenness in the church that people are “not free to breathe.” Ruth went so far as to say that many people sitting in the pews of Christian churches are not real Christians. “They find rigidity safe,” she said. “It is easier for them to condemn and marginalize rather than to give grace.” In Nicole’s 2007 solo interview about her book HUSH, she spoke of what I had already read and highlighted in my copy of the book: “I’ve always pictured the healing journey as a long dark tunnel with a light at the end. At first I could barely see the pinpoint of light in the distance, but with every step, the circle of light kept getting bigger. It was never enough for me to clearly see what was ahead of me, but it was always enough to guide my next step forward. That is how healing was for me. Step by step, I was working my way toward the light.” (p. 171) Nicole also reiterated other passages I had highlighted in my book: “Telling my secret was the first step in moving from silence to healing. To some, this may sound too simple; to others, it may sound too difficult. But for all of us, breaking the silence is vital and the place to begin. “After I told my story, I still struggled to believe that my abuse wasn’t my fault. In fact, I struggled more with this false belief after I told than I did before. Accepting this truth was the second step to healing, and it was a huge hurdle for me.” (p. 172) Nicole talked about how hard it is for survivors to muster the courage to take these steps toward healing, which she expressed like this in her book: “Some of you don’t want to take even one step into that tunnel. But believe me, unless you do, you won’t experience the freedom waiting for you at the end. There’s no way around it. To get to the light, you can only go through the tunnel.” (p. 174) I see how hard it is for my own dear children, who have been “programmed” to reside in their father’s “Kingdom of denial.” My children do not yet see, as Nicole saw, how fortunate they are to have a mother who denounces that Kingdom and demonstrates the power of “moving from silence to healing.” My heart extends an ongoing invitation for my children to take this journey with me to become part of the “holy healing coalition” as well as “part of the greater movement” Nicole describes in the conclusion of HUSH: “As more and more of us move toward healing and invite others to take this journey with us, we’ll become part of a greater movement. We’ll experience the joy and satisfaction of moving together toward a campus, a community, a nation, and a world healing from sexual abuse. God’s mission will be accomplished through me, through you, and through those yet to come. As more of us choose the path of healing today, fewer children will be victimized tomorrow.” (p. 174) According to the editors of Truthout.org, "Apocalypse - the disclosure of something hidden from the majority of mankind in an era dominated by falsehood and misconception - is anything but comfortable." But with this growing movement that is "lifting the veil" on molestation to expose the "exploitation, separation and destruction it causes, humanity is "embracing our potential for good" and our ability to "reverse the damage we've done" to our fellow human beings. Thank God for the Apocalypse! |
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Carlene Brown, MA. Ed.: Posted on Saturday, September 29, 2012 8:01 PM
Carlene with Christian sister Wanda In my last post, I referred to what I saw as an “unholy alliance” between my children and my evangelical Christian sisters, an alliance to silence and discredit me for speaking up about my ex-husband’s history of molestation. That alliance is beginning to morph into a “holy healing coalition,” however, as evidenced by recent get-togethers I have enjoyed with family members, especially my beloved little sister Wanda. My little Pentecostal missionary sister has now resumed her speaking-in-tongues,intercessory prayer for healing in our family. In addition, upon my suggestion, Wanda has visited the website of Nicole Braddock Bromley, Christian author of HUSH: Moving from Silence to Healing afterChildhood Sexual Abuse (2007). “I still wonder and ask why the Christian community is so reluctant to address this profound need in our world,” writes Victoria Kepler Didato, director of Child Sexual Abuse Institute of Ohio. “What Nicole Braddock Bromley does for survivors of childhood sexual abuse in HUSH is what Jesus Himself did for the mute—gives them back their voice.” Bromley, now a professional speaker, says “I founded One VOICE to raise awareness of and help prevent sexual abuse. I travel to schools, churches, and conferences across the country to talk about it. Most of the time I speak at Christian colleges.” [See www.OneVOICEenterprises.com.] Ron Kopicko, University Chaplain at Spring Arbor University, MI, writes this about Nicole: “In 25 years of working with Christian University Chapel speakers, I can count on one hand the number of women who have touched the hearts of students the way Nicole Bromley did during her visit. . . . Speaking out of incredible authenticity, with compassion, clarity, sensitivity, and grace, Nicole opened up damaged hearts with the skill of a surgeon and brought a powerful word of hope and peace in Jesus Christ.” Yesterday I visited Nicole’s website [www.OneVOICEenterprises.com] to invite her to consider speaking at my Alma Mater, Evangel University, the Pentecostal Assemblies of God college where I was once a homecoming queen. I shared with Nicole that it was within the confines of that religious institution that I met and, soon after graduation from EvangelCollege, married the man who became the father of my children. Less than two decades later, he began molesting the stepdaughter of his second marriage, while our children resided in that household under a joint-custody agreement I naively lauded. Building on the “holy healing coalition” concept, in my email to Nicole, I suggested that she connect with my little missionary sister Wanda Hallgrimson Sommers, who now works with an Assemblies of God team based in Springfield, MO, the home of Evangel University. I informed Nicole that I plan to travel to Springfield for my 2013 class reunion. I am aware that the subtitle of Nicole’s book, HUSH, “moving from silence to healing,” has more meaning for me than for my little sister. Along with Nicole, I have discovered that the first step in moving toward healing is “breaking the silence.” Even though I am not the victim of molestation in our family, I am the whistleblower mom. Hopeful about the weight that Nicole’s Bible-based writing and Christian testimony could carry with my sisters,I have shared relevant scripture references from HUSH with Wanda, such as “Don’t be afraid. Speak out! Don’t be silent” (Acts 18:9) and “We have made a lie our refuge and falsehood our hiding place” (Isaiah 28:15 NIV). The Isaiah reference corroborates with “The Kingdom” of perpetrator denial I learned about in Ellen Bass and Laura Davis’s THE COURAGE TO HEAL and wrote about in my previous post. As the whistleblower in my family, I accept the advice Nicole offers about speaking out: “If the first person you tell doesn’t believe you, tell someone else! . . . . It’s scary to think about being all alone in your fight for what’s right in the event that your family chooses sides. . . . [But] don’t submit to the bondage of silence. Break it! Tell your story over and over. . . . Get it all out! Do what works best for you, but do it until the silence is broken.” (p. 50-53) Nicole’s story is compelling: she was sexually abused by her stepfather for over a decade until, at age 14, at her mother’s bidding, Nicole summoned the courage to tell the secret her stepfather had made Nicole promise never to tell. Nicole is very grateful that, unlike many mothers of sexually abused children, her mother believed her story. Nicole had been “programmed for silence,” as Vince (in typical perpetrator mode) made her feel that it was her choice to be abused, that she deserved and wanted it, that she was responsible for the family’s happiness, that it would ruin the family if she told, and that he would commit suicide. As soon as Nicole told her mother the truth, mother and daughter filed charges with authorities and left home to go into hiding, fearing that Vince would kill them if he found them. A week after they filed their report with the police, two police officers arrived at their door to report that Vince had indeed committed suicide. The courts closed the case by listing the abuse charges as“substantiated.” In other words, the suicide proved his guilt. “My stepfather was in his grave, but his legacy of hush lived on,” writes Nicole. “Mom protected me by not revealing my secret to our community. At the funeral, she shouldered the blame, allowing people to believe that Vince had killed himself because she had left him. To escape the stigma associated with this filthy violation, I planned to put it back under lock and key and never tell again. It took me awhile to realize that I had to continue to break the silence if I was ever going to believe that the abuse wasn’t my fault.” (p. 44, 45) Upon viewing videos on Nicole’s website [www.OneVOICEenterprises.com], I was thrilled to discover that she had been interviewed by James and Betty Robison on a DayStar Christian TV program which I had watched just a couple nights before— an interview featuring Ruth Graham, daughter of the famous preacher, Billy Graham. Ruth had spoken so authentically about the mask people wear in Christian churches, and that “in every pew there sits a broken heart” (one of her book titles). Following the program, my little sister Wanda called from her cell phone, and I told her about the Ruth Graham interview, feeling the “holy healing coalition” strengthening as we talked. The coalition strengthened even more as I noted a video on Nicole’s website, where she and Ruth Graham had been interviewed together on James and Betty Robison’s LIFE program. This taping was from a 2010 show when Nicole’s second book, BREATHE, was published,along with Ruth’s Fear NotTomorrow: God Is Already There. Both Ruth and Nicole spoke eloquently about the brokenness in the church and the necessity of being “real” as opposed to wearing a mask. Nicole said there is so much brokenness in the church that people are “not free to breathe.” Ruth went so far as to say that many people sitting in the pews of Christian churches are not real Christians. “They find rigidity safe,” she said. “It is easier for them to condemn and marginalize rather than to give grace.” In Nicole’s 2007 solo interview about her book HUSH, she spoke of what I had already read and highlighted in my copy of the book: “I’ve always pictured the healing journey as a long dark tunnel with a light at the end. At first I could barely see the pinpoint of light in the distance, but with every step, the circle of light kept getting bigger. It was never enough for me to clearly see what was ahead of me, but it was always enough to guide my next step forward. That is how healing was for me. Step by step, I was working my way toward the light.” (p. 171) Nicole also reiterated other passages I had highlighted in my book: “Telling my secret was the first step in moving from silence to healing. To some, this may sound too simple; to others, it may sound too difficult. But for all of us, breaking the silence is vital and the place to begin. “After I told my story, I still struggled to believe that my abuse wasn’t my fault. In fact, I struggled more with this false belief after I told than I did before. Accepting this truth was the second step to healing, and it was a huge hurdle for me.” (p. 172) Nicole talked about how hard it is for survivors to muster the courage to take these steps toward healing, which she expressed like this in her book: “Some of you don’t want to take even one step into that tunnel. But believe me, unless you do, you won’t experience the freedom waiting for you at the end. There’s no way around it. To get to the light, you can only go through the tunnel.” (p. 174) I see how hard it is for my own dear children, who have been “programmed” to reside in their father’s “Kingdom of denial.” My children do not yet see, as Nicole saw, how fortunate they are to have a mother who denounces that Kingdom and demonstrates the power of “moving from silence to healing.” My heart extends an ongoing invitation for my children to take this journey with me to become part of the “holy healing coalition” as well as “part of the greater movement” Nicole describes in the conclusion of HUSH: “As more and more of us move toward healing and invite others to take this journey with us, we’ll become part of a greater movement. We’ll experience the joy and satisfaction of moving together toward a campus, a community, a nation, and a world healing from sexual abuse. God’s mission will be accomplished through me, through you, and through those yet to come. As more of us choose the path of healing today, fewer children will be victimized tomorrow.” (p. 174) |
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Carlene Brown, MA. Ed.: Posted on Wednesday, September 26, 2012 2:51 PM
My research empowers me to keep speaking out, to call sexual offenders into accountability, even when the child molester is a family member, and I meet with disapproval from other family members. My research empowers me to be a voice for those who have not yet found their voice, or fear using theirs. My research assures me that I am not alone in holding a vision for healing and restorative justice. And most importantly, my research produces evidence that healings are happening even now, for both victim and perpetrator. In 2006, when I revealed the truth about my ex-husband’s history of sexual molestation, I was labeled by my children as “poisonous and spiritually sick” and even reprimanded publicly by a licensed spiritual practitioner. Yet, prominently displayed near the cash register in the Agape International Spiritual Center’s bookstore, I found a 600-page third edition (1994) of THE COURAGE TO HEAL, which became my Bible. It was “the gift of desperation,” as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, which drove me to that Bible and $250 worth of other books on abuse and forgiveness. Six years later, I am punished again for the stand I have taken. Once again, I feel empowered as I return to this treasure trove of research and case studies, edited by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. Yes, I was recently fired at Pacific Palisades Charter High School—even when my speaking about sexual molestation (during the Penn State investigations) included a vision for healing, inspired by a Social Healing Project story in Lynne McTaggart’s 2011 book, THE BOND. Shaken by that May 2012 firing, while focusing on interacting with my family from a space of integrity and compassion, I have refrained from adding blog posts for the past few months, even refrained from offering insights about the conclusion of the Penn State Sandusky trial. Because of heightened awareness around sexual abuse and denial this trial brought to the public, 2012 may well be a watershed year in the United States. Even though my family remained silent on the issue, this may well be a watershed year for me. Thanks to my research, I approached a series of 2012 family encounters with eyes wide open to the perpetrator’s Kingdom of denial. Standing on a firm foundation gained by revisiting THECOURAGE TO HEAL, I faced my family of deniers with renewed understanding and compassion. Lawrence Klein, cited by Bass and Davis in a presentation for a1993 Center of Mental Health Conference, defined “The Kingdom” as “a place in the perpetrator’s mind where he is King, and can do whatever he pleases with whomever he pleases however he pleases.” Klein said, “Perpetrators do not stop their pattern of abuse until they renounce the Kingdom and strive to embrace humanity.” Rarely does that happen until after criminal prosecution, he added ( p. 500, 501). Upon revisiting Klein’s statements, I realized that my ex-husband had not “renounced the Kingdom” because he still made me the bad guy for being the whistleblower. Another expert cited by Bass and Davis helped me to understand and have deep compassion for my children, who my ex-husband has influenced to “set boundaries” to protect themselves from me, just as he does. I now understand the “unholy alliance” my children have formed with my Christian fundamentalist sisters-- to enlist them in the Kingdom of denial. Psychologist Brian Abbot, who works particularly with incest offenders under court order as a condition of probation or bail, describes the perpetrator’s Kingdom-building thus: he has convinced himself, his wife, extended family, employers, preacher and a “whole chorus of people” who chant, “We know he didn’t do it.” (We discovered the same about Sandusky and university officials who surrounded him.) The energy of this Kingdom of denial feels cold and dark, harsh and toxic, to me—the same right-wing fundamentalist energy that invaded the administration at Pacific Palisades Charter High School intent on their mission to get me fired. To facilitate healing in my family and my profession, I must detach from drama as I stay committed to a strong spiritual practice and participate in a variety of spiritual support groups and healing workshops. Through my spiritual practices and ongoing research, I shield myself from the toxic energy of the Kingdom. According to research cited in THE COURAGE TO HEAL, collective denial, or the Kingdom expanded, includes a group of professionals—lawyers, professors, theologians, and therapists—whose intent is to discredit survivors and whistleblowers. They tout the “False MemorySyndrome” and have even created a False Memory Syndrome Foundation, whose primary motivation is the establishment of legal defense for those accused of child sexual abuse. “Until we as a culture face the reality of sexual abuse,our collective denial will continue to feed—and need—such groups,” writeeditors Bass and Davis (p.493-495). The truth is that false denials are much more common than false accusations, with less than 10% of child sexual abuse cases coming to the attention of child protection agencies or the police. Rather than dredging up false memories, survivors usually minimize the abuse or pretend that it did not happen. Because recovering memories is so painful, survivors hold on to denial as long as possible, many times anesthetizing themselves with alcohol and drugs (p. 497, 498). “It is imperative that we create a climate in which people who commit abuse can acknowledge what they’ve done and be held accountable for their actions rather than be bolstered by the rhetoric that further reinforces their denial,” write Bass and Davis (p.504). Echoing this call for collective responsibility, Louise Hay, in her 1997 book, EMPOWERING WOMEN, writes, “We become part of the destructive force of society whenever we go along with the secret. We need to educate ourselves, speak up, to be troublemakers if we have to. Collectively, we can heal this issue in one generation.” The Sandusky trial at Penn State has served to educate the public about “the destructive force” of “going along with the secret.” Yet, Sandusky’s conviction and the punishments meted out to Penn State have not brought about restorative justice. According to Lynne McTaggart in THE BOND, “In Western culture, which largely uses punishment and imprisonment to deal with transgression, both victim and perpetrator remain in bondage. The victim’s personhood is not restored, and the perpetrator never comes to grips with what he has done.” My future posts will focus on families in recovery and visions for restorative justice that include healing for both victim and perpetrator. Along with some of the healing tools and spiritual practices that keep me grounded and fuel my vision, I will also share evidence that healings are happening now. |
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Carlene Brown, MA. Ed. Motivational Speaker & Life Coach: Posted on Friday, April 20, 2012 9:06 AM
 In my role as Motivational Speaker & Life Coach, I recently posted a series of 7-minuteYouTube speeches, in which I link the issue of sexual abuse to the following topics: · “Now I Become Myself,” · “Born to Win in 2012 & Beyond,” · “Untie the Rope Strings & Unleash the Dream!” What I discovered as I prepared those speeches is that whenever anyone in my blood family, in my family of educators, or my family of Americans tries to muzzle me, that is my call to stand up and speak out—no matter what the issue or the outcome! I am called to be “a fierce revolutionary carrying infinitely tender love,” as Clarrisa Pinkola Estes writes in Untie the Strong Woman: the Blessed Mother’s Immaculate Love for the Wild Soul. As that wild soul, “I am fire! Fire of hope, fire of compassion.” That wild-soul fire is what compels me to put Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” quote on classroom whiteboards at Palisades Charter High School, his dream that “one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed. . .” It was one of those days when I used that Martin Luther King quote and engaged students in a discussion about what America’s creed is, that a student asked a question that compelled my “wild soul” to share my vision for healing sexual abuse in my family. Now an administrative decision is pending about removing “The Quote Lady” from Palisades Charter High School. The harsh phone call and warning letter I received from the Director of Human Resources indicated that my speaking about sexual molestation in the classroom made me “a liability to the school.” I had violated my professional duties and the Palisades Charter High School Code of Ethics, as I disrespected certain "stakeholders." I have been barred from hosting the student art show April 24-27, even though the Art Department always requested me to host the show in past years. No matter what-- I consider it my duty to stand up and speak out, as Van Jones writes in his new bestselling book, REBUILD THE DREAM: “The dreams of our forebears are worth defending. . .. We have a duty to stand up to the dream-killers in our country.” In my “unleash the dream” speech on YouTube, I tell the audience that I felt about ten feet tall as I left a 99% rally where Jones spoke and signed my book. He had just returned from Madison, Wisconsin, where he said, “The blowback has been fierce” regarding Tea Party Governor Walker’s attempt to strangle unions. Jones called us teachers, firefighters, and nurses “esteemed professionals” who are an “emerging powerhouse.” I quoteJones several times in my “unleash the dream” speech: - “You can’t be an anti-immigrant bigot and call yourself a patriot!
- “These cheap patriots have taken a wrecking ball—painted it red, white, and blue—and now are trying to smash down every institution that made America great.. . .”
- “Deep patriots love and respect everyone in the country, regardless of skin color, sexual orientation, income,faith, or tattoos.”
- “Deep patriots don’t just sing the song,‘America the Beautiful,’ and then go home. We actually stick around to defend America’s beauty—from the corporations trying to destroy it.”
I am a “deep patriot” and “fierce revolutionary carrying infinitely tender love”—even for Tea Party types like those trying to fire me at Pacific Palisades Charter High School because I opened my mouth about sexual molestation and shared my vision for healing sexual abuse, based on a Social Healing Project story about a former Nazi and the daughter of a Holocaust survivor. I have a Big Mouth, Big Heart, and a Big Dream—not only for healing sexual abuse in my family, but for reclaiming the American Dream that pulses in the Heart of my wild soul. I invite you to join the movement at www.RebuildTheDream.com I have a Big Mouth, Big Heart, and a Big Dream for humanity in 2012! “If 2012 represents the cresting of the breakdown. . . it also represents a decisive turning point when we have no other option than to seek healing and to collaborate our way out of chaos. . . .” “You were born for such a time as this!” JAMESO’DEA, from The Mystery of 2012: Predictions, Prophecies & Possibilities Carlene Brown, MA. Ed., Motivational Speaker & Life Coach 424-209-5776 . |
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Carlene Brown, MA. Ed.: Posted on Thursday, March 08, 2012 9:33 AM
 Mother and Daughter watching a video created by Carlene's son for her 2011 Los Angeles area birthday party, where Mother and Daughter were reunited after 5 years of estrangement. With concerns about teachers molesting children still running high in Los Angeles Unified School District, I recently told a classroom of LAUSD high school students a story I had read in Lynne McTaggart's 2011 book, The Bond, a story of "social healing" between a former Nazi soldier and a woman whose family members had died in the Holocaust. I told students that my vision for a family "social healing" involved the issue of sexual molestation. I told students that I wanted to break that cycle of abuse in our family. "We wouldn't have teachers molesting children today if that illness could be healed in our families," I told students. "Today, all we as a society know to do about this problem is to send offenders to prison," I said. "But I believe there is a better way, and my website is about inspiring that hope for our society. It's about Healing the Human Family, One Family at a Time." Then I asked students what other issues could be healed through "social healing" meetings. Immediately, one student responded, "Physical abuse." Even though I felt pressured to move into the formal lesson plan for the day, that topic compelled me to share another personal story, a beautiful forgiveness and "social healing" session between my daughter and me. I told students that I had been beaten as a child and then passed on that abusive behavior to my daughter. It was not until my 50th birthday that I retrieved suppressed memories of what I had done to my sweet, precious child. In a tender moment the day before my birthday party, I described to my daughter one of the beatings I recalled inflicting on her, with a wire coat hanger (our "social healing" session described in detail in my memoir). "Oh, my God!" I exclaimed. "With today's child protection laws, I would have been put in jail or had you taken away from me." I asked my daughter to tell me what else I had done to her. Tears welled up in my eyes as I shared with students my sweet daughter's answer to that question: "Oh, there were many," she said. "But we don't need to talk about them now. I forgive you." "That cycle of abuse is now broken in our family," I told students. "It will never be passed down to future generations. I am now holding a vision for the sexual abuse cycle to be broken as well." I am glad that I spoke publicly about my abusive role in our family, but today I feel guided to add to my confession on this public blog, thereby conducting part of our family's social healing process online. This morning I returned to the source of inspiration for my family "social healing" vision-- Lynne McTaggart's book, The Bond, and the chapter called "Surrendering to Wholeness." McTaggart cites German theologian Geiko Muller-Fahrenholz's book The Art of Forgiveness, in which he looks at forgiveness from the perspective of both victim and perpetrator, where both experience "mutual bondage" and a "distorted relationship" because of wrongdoing, including even minor transgressions. The perpetrator steals power, rendering the victim impotent. According to Muller-Fahrenholz, this wound of impotence is an "impairment of the core of our personhood." Upon re-reading this passage from The Bond, I realized that my transgressions against my daughter placed us in mutual bondage and created a distorted relationship, just as did my ex-husband's transgressions. Yet, jail was not the answer for either of us. "Forgiveness can never replace justice, but it can move us beyond the simple notion that retribution is enough," writes McTaggart. "In Western culture, which largely uses punishment and imprisonment to deal with transgression [be it child physical abuse or sexual abuse], both victim and perpetrator remain in bondage. The victim's dignity and personhood are not restored, and the perpetrator never truly comes to grip with what he has done." In our private forgiveness session decades ago, I believe I did come to grips with what I had done to my daughter, but now I am seeing the value of going public, just as the stories in The Bond illustrate. In addition to the story I told students in the classroom, McTaggart summarizes a Muller-Fahrenholz story about a group of old Germans who had fought as part of Hitler's army during World War II, returning to Belorussia fifty years later (after the Chernobyl nuclear accident) attempting to make amends for what they had done as youth. During a moment of deep confession, in which one old German tried to say that what he personally had done to the Russians must never happen again, "he had to sit down because he was sobbing so hard," writes M cTaggart. "Everyone in the room, even the young people who had no experience of war, were weeping." I, too, wept as I read this story, especially the part where a Belarusian woman crossed the room after a few minutes-- and kissed the old German! "At the moment of the German's genuine act of confession, the full hurt was acknowledged and the dignity of everyone in the room was restored," writes McTaggart. The old woman realized that even the pain of the perpetrator was her pain, too, as well as that of the other victims. That realization sparked forgiveness. This is what I envision for our family-- that we will realize and acknowledge that the pain belongs to all of us. Muller-Fahrenholz writes in the Irish Quarterly Review 78 (1989) that this moment of connecting to the other's pain offers "a spark of courage to open up, that moment of daring and trusting which causes the heart to jump over the fence." This pain-connection moment tears down "the dividing walls" between us. Again, McTaggart offers insightful commentary on the story of the German soldier and the Belarusian woman: "Deep truth and candid disclosure interrupt the cascade of denial and, most important, reconnect the Bond. . . Forgiveness is a restoration that corrects the distortion in the relationship. Through forgiveness both parties are equals again." I want each of my precious family members to be equals again! According to Muller-Fahrenholz, a willingness to finally confront and fully disclose the truth about "unspeakable acts of wrongdoing" is an "act of disarmament" for the ;perpetrator, which paves the way for atonement. When the perpetrator lays bare his humanity, it seems to create catharsis in the listener-- and a way of moving forward. It seems to me that, in order to create catharsis, these "social healing" meetings need to happen in person. However, I choose to take a first step toward family healing by disclosing online the major transgressions against my childfren that I recall-- transgressions that have distorted our relationship and placed us in mutual bondage. First, my daughter. Not only did I beat her with a wire coat hanger and then require her to wear pants to kindergarten to hide the red welts, but I also (long before kindergarten age) pinched her bare little legs under her Sunday dress to silence her in church. This nervous and high-strung mother locked her inquisitive and talkative darling daughter out of the house to play in the Michigan snow so she could get her housework done in peace and quiet. This Sunday school teacher ranted and raved when her daughter's father brought her home from school early one day. I was unwilling to listen to the "emergency" explanation that she had experienced the deep humiliation of wetting her pants in the classroom. I am sure there were many other instances of abuse, but as my sweet daughter told me on my 50th birthday, "It doesn't matter, Mom. I forgive you." Second, my son. I am not as clear about how I abused him as I am about my daughter. Actually, treating my son as the "perfect child" served to heap even more abuse upon my daughter, as I blamed her for everything. I did not treat my children as equals. I do not recall ever spanking my son or even raising my voice at him-- until he came back to live with me for a short time as an adult. I do know that I hurt my son deeply when he summoned the courage to ask if he could come live with me in California. I can still hear that twelve-year-old boy crying on the phone, as I asked him to postpone the move for a year. When I questioned him about the incident many years later, he had no recollection of it. Perhaps he had repressed a mother-rejection memory too painful to bear. Perhaps the pain of watching me abuse his sister was deeper than I can imagine, too. I am willing to hear his perspective when and if he wants to share it. And now my confession regarding the pain I inflicted on both my children. When my husband and I separated, with our children only seven and nine years old at the time our house sold, I too readily accepted their father's suggestion that I move into an apartment with someone and allow our children to stay temporarily with him and his mother. I snatched that opportunity to participate on weekends in the "singles scene"-- drinking and dancing, doing all the things my Pentecostal religion had prohibited, seldom inviting my children to stay overnight with me. I continued that pattern for years. I did not fight to keep my children with me when their father suggested that they live as a family with the woman he married within a year of our divorce. Perhaps the most painful rejection for my dear children to accept was my choice to leave them behind in Michigan, ages 13 and 11, when I drove across country to teach in Los Angeles County California. I can still see my sweet little daughter clinging to me beside my car, as she whimpered, "Mommy, I don't want you to go." My son had already gone inside the house, burying his pain as always (many more details in my memoir, acknowledging how I hurt my childfren over the years-- and many good times, too!). And then there is the pain I have inflicted in recent years by exposing their father's transgressions. I weep even as I write this today. I weep for us all-- children, mother, father. "This moment of connecting to the other's pain is the transcendent aspect of any relationship," writes McTaggart. And according to Muller-Farenholz, offers "a spark of courage to open up, that moment of daring and trusting which causes the heart to jump over the fence." |
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Carlene Brown, MA. Ed.: Posted on Thursday, March 01, 2012 1:44 PM
I named this website "Families Healing Sexual Abuse" because I believe that sexual abuse, like alcoholism (according to AA) is a "family disease." I have written on a previous blog about the roles family members tend to play until healing enters the diseased family: perpetrator, victim and enabler. As I have chosen to step out of these roles, consciously setting an intention to step forth as the healer in my family, I constantly discover empowering healer role models. The other day I watched online what Oprah called a "historical pivotal moment" on her November 5, 2012 show--200 men standing together against sexual abuse to "lift the veil of shame" that had disempowered them for decades. Each man held a photo of himself at the age when he first recalled the horrendous experience of sexual abuse. I wept at first sight of these two hundred beautiful men, their dignity and humanity stripped from them at such an early age. I saw my ex-husband's precious child-face peering through each photo. I wept for my sexually abused ex-husband, who had gone on to become a molester himself. Before scheduling this show, Oprah, like me, knew that one in four women report having been sexually abused prior to age 18. But she, like me, was shocked to learn that those statistics for men are one in six! I was not shocked to learn that 90% of abusers target children they know. I was not shocked to learn that these abusers groom and prepare their victims to be taken in. Tyler Perry, playwrite and filmmaker known for his outrageous Medea series, had approached Oprah about joining to do a show that frees and empowers sexually abused men, to let them know they are not alone. After hearing Tyler talk openly about his abuse and his healing process that involved forgiveness, it was clear to me that his films got better as he healed-- for instance, MEET THE BROWNS and FOR COLORED GIRLS. Tyler admitted that it was still hard to look at pictures from his childhood displayed on the screen. He told of being beaten by his father and sexually abused by the man across the street, told about the man in his church who used God and the Bible to justify the abuse. Oprah and Tyler talked about how hard it is for men to talk about their pain, how hard it is for them to be vulnerable. They talked about the importance of men speaking the words, the power in telling their stories of betrayal to release their shame. Oprah showed clips from several of the interviews she had conducted with these men in their own homes. One particularly poignant interview involved a young father, who pointed to the very spot on the living room couch where his father had sexually abused him over and over again, many times while his mother was in the house. When he did summon the courage to tell his mother and siblings what had happened, the pain of their rejection felt worse than the abuse itself. After many years, his sister joined him to confront his father. Today, he allows his father no contact with his two little children, but does allow his mother to take them out on occasion. "Why would you trust your mother with your children?" questioned Oprah, strongly advising this young father to keep his children away from both parents. In that moment, I knew that I had been right to inform my daughter-in-law of my ex-husband's unhealed molestation pattern, as I wanted to protect potential grandchildren. I need not take it personally that both my son and daughter attacked me for this disclosure, especially when I chose to inform my daughter-in-law's parents and sister, too. I knew that my children were simply engaging in "loyalty to the dysfunctional person," according to Oprah. The feature story of Oprah's First-Steps-Toward-Healing show for male sexual abuse survivors called forth a pair of twins to join Oprah and Tyler on the couches center stage, twins who had been summoned for years by their priest, "groomed and taken in" to participate in acts that bored holes into their very souls. Both twins struggled with drug addiction, which made them even more dependent on the priest who paid them money they needed to support their addiction. Eventually these beautiful little twins were "gang raped" by three priests. At that point, Oprah declared, "Today is about becoming free for all these men!" The studio audience erupted in applause and stood to their feet. Here, facing the screen of my computer, I joined that magnificent standing ovation, tears coursing down my cheeks. I applauded the day that my ex-husband would be fully healed and free! |
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